Steve v5.0

Posts Tagged ‘affirmation’

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I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found wanting– WANTING TO HAVE BEEN MORE DILIGENT DURING THE PAST YEAR!!!

Sorry- I’ll stop yelling now.

Tomorrow marks another year (#49) since I was jettisoned forth from the prenatal ooze, slapped into consciousness, and storked into my saintly mother’s waiting arms.  Rejoice, humans!  I live amongst ye! And live I have thus far; accomplishing little- save leaving an indelible carbon footprint wherever I planted my burgeoning arse on this dying orb as it hurtles through space.  By sheer luck I was born into an era of astounding technological advance and have witnessed periods of social enlightenment (60’s), musical and fashion wtf (70’s – disco), selfish narcissistic gluttony (80’s), techno-tubery (www-dot-90’s-dot-bubble-dot-burst), and whatever pun-ny era this one turns out to be.  I’ve been extremely lucky to live in a country of personal, super-sized, freedom- and have fully embraced it’s consequence.

Living a life of grotesque consumerism has taken it’s toll on this ol’ bod’ o’ mine.  The time during which I was once fit has unfortunately faded into memory and I’m reaping what most would consider an insurmountable task of reversing twenty-some-odd years of abusing myself by way of a fork.

This task, as some may remember, began a few days more than three years ago with the collapse of a camp chair.  That memory alone makes me want to stick my finger down my throat to make room for some serious laxative abuse.  I wonder if that would have been more effective than the method I did use? The thing is, I decided immediately and mostly out of spite that I would lose weight entirely on my own; no pills, no magic elixirs, no exercise classes, no coaches, and nobody.  Nobody and nothing, that is, but the guy responsible for the big fat reflection in the mirror: me.

My method, as stated in the infancy of Steve v4.6, maintained through v4.7 and v4.8, and the essential foundation of Steve v4.9 is based on a simple equation:

Calories Consumed – Calories Burned / 3500 = Weight Change in Pounds

More a guide than rule, it simply means that in order to lose weight, I have to eat less and move more.  The really bitchin’ thing is that it works.  Not only that, but it was confirmed during a consultation with my gastroenterologist (from hereon referred to “doctor poo-fart” because his real name is impossible to pronounce and he deserves it because one day he’ll perform my dreaded colonoscopy).  We discussed at length the best way to go about losing weight.  He’s an extremely nice and knowledgeable guy with years of training and was adamant regarding the whole eat-less-move-more method as the only thing that results in lasting weight loss.  I enjoyed most of our meeting- and sat in mock-ish posture, nodding in a smug, knowing fashion.  Professional justification is tasty.  No surprise- this is how I’m doing it because I’m right.  Doctor poo-fart said so.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  After sufficiently mourning the passing of another misspent year (curled up, fetal-position, bottle of JD in one hand- tear-soaked list of unrealized goals in the other), I’ll emerge from my crypt of failure emboldened with new purpose, grim determination, and laser beam focus on a new list.

Shit is going down.  My goals will be achieved.  Weight will be lost.

Rock on.

 

I’ve heard it said that, “Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re probably right.“  This odd little statement is more profound than I originally thought.  OK, so I’m randomly impressed.  The thing is, the older I get the more I realize that all that blah-blah-blah that my elders and betters were constantly going on about is finally starting to make sense.

I’m not going to get into the analysis of some of the things the nuts in the old family tree were laying down- I mean, I’m not yet old enough to think that some of those guys weren’t really nuts.  I’m talking foil-hat goofy.

This little journal is all about me and my efforts to lose a bunch of unneeded bulk (about 200 lbs. of it).  I don’t plan on going into a ton of family history except as it pertains to that end.  Thing is that I learned some stuff from those guys and thus owe them a little credit for the progress I’ve made so far.  Which brings us around to that first little gem about believing in an outcome.

I’ve personally experienced moments when I’ve sat at a weight machine and believed one way or another as to whether I’d be able to lift the weight that was loaded onto it.  I’ve never been surprised.  When I believed I could, I did- just as when I believed that I couldn’t, I didn’t.  Funny thing is, that’s been true of just about everything I’ve set out to do.

Am I going to over-analyze just what makes that little statement true?  No way.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s physical law and not to be questioned.  To question would create doubt and ultimately invalidate it.  Some laws should not be left open to interpretation, just internalized and lived to personal betterment.  Right now I’m feeling pretty good about accomplishing everything I believe I can.  So when that little voice of doubt asks, “Why does it work?”  My response is simply, “Believe that it does and just shut up and do!”

I better believe it- my success depends on it.

 

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The title of this post is a line from Def Lepard‘s “Let It Go”.  OK, so I listen to 80′s hair bands while I work out at the gym.    This particular song is one of those little earworms that, once I hear it, gets lodged in my skull and plays over and over until replaced by something else.  Something like that Barney the Dinosaur song, “I love you… You love me…  We’re a happy family.”

Oh crap.

Anyway, the last few weeks have been kind of a stalemate with the scale.  I’ve still got some weight to lose and it’s just not getting lost.  Evidently I’ve reached caloric equilibrium and it’s not what I would call a happy place.  It’s a dull place of routines without reward.  Because of that it has also become a place of introspection.  A place to ponder and plan.  A place demanding change.

Wait, that sounds a little weird.  Here’s the thing, it is weird.  It’s weird to let yourself go.  It’s weird to put on a bunch of weight.  It’s weird to try to turn things around and get healthy again.  It’s all weird but I think you have to get a little weird to get normal again; doing things you don’t normally do because what you normally do is slowly making you abnormal.

So I’ll raise this morning’s pitcher of protein smoothie in a little toast; here’s to getting a little more weird.  Here’s to whipping out those 50 tips I accumulated over a year’s worth of successful weight loss effort and putting them to use.  Here’s to kicking it into gear again and coming out of the stall I’m in, and here’s to losing five (5) pounds by January 1st.